BrEnDa ThE bINgO LaDy ASKS WHAT IS IN THE BOX?

A little old lady went to Fareway to buy cat food. She
  picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter.
  
   The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but Jim says we cannot sell
   you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people
   buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are
   buying the cat food for your cat."

  
   The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back
   to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to
   buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we
   cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of
   old people buy dog food to eat, but Jim wants proof that
   ou are buying the dog food for your dog."
  
   So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the
   dog food.
  
   The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little
   old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The
   cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."
  
   The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box
   that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and
   quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like shit."
   The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet
   paper."

Recently, during a routine patrol, an RCMP patrolman parked down the street outside a Legion Hall just off the main drag in Gander NF, CANADA.

After last call, the officer observed a man leaving the Legion Hall. The gentleman was so intoxicated that he could barely walk. He then stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into.

He sat there for a few minutes and then threw a hook and line out the window and seemed to be trying to catch a fish.. A number of other patrons paid no attention to this crazy drunk as they left the bar and drove off.

Finally the drunk started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn, and switched on the headlights.

He then pulled in the hook and line and moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron's vehicles left. At last, the parking lot was empty; he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over. He performed a breathalyzer test on the gentleman who cooperated fully, and to his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to Headquarters.
This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Newfie,
"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

ARE YOU STRESSED OUT ?

Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male ... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female..... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female . . . A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male ... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND;
He said . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said, That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . . Why are married women heavier than single women?

She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

"BEER" BY SEVEN YEAR OLDS

A handful of 7 year old children were asked 'What they thought of beer'.
Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially good. 'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'
--Tim, 7 years old
'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. '
--Mellanie, 7 years old
'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
--Grady, 7 years old
''My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
--Toby, 7 years old
'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old
'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
--Lilly, 7 years old
'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
--Ethan, 7 years old
'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
--Shirley, 7 years old
'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again. But that doesn't make any sense.'
--Jack, 7 years 

 

 

 

 

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work,
But I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY' then heWould tell me to take a few days off.



So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb,So that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY'And give me a few days off.



A few minutes later the Boss came into the office
And asked 'What are you doing?' I told him I was a light bulb.



He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office.



When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me,
The Boss asked her
..And where do you think you're going?'







(You're gonna love this.....)










She said,
'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!

Some Advise from bReNdA tHe BiNgO  LaDy

10 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR MOM, YOUR DAUGHTERS OR
GRANDDAUGHTERS, NIECES, AUNTS, GIRLFRIENDS, ETC.

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up
there.

4. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

5. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so we can tell
them apart.

6. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

7. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

8. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in
Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

9. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.


10. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes,
it means that you laugh at his.

 

He Never Heard The Gunshot!

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to
spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short
skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments
she uncrosses her legs ... enough times that her husband finally asks,
"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."

He never heard the gunshot.


A woman in her sixties is at home, unclothed, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks,
"Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.

The husband replies, "What did he say about your 65-year old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.

 

No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since by Jewish law a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi. The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.' They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love.. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi. 'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.' Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire, the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, 'See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!!'

How do I pick them Up?

When I was a kid I used to pray every night  for a new bike.Then I realize that God did not work that way.So I stole the bike and then asked him for forgiveness.

Abdul my Arab neighbour  was on the fifth floor balcony  of his apartment shaking out his carpet .I  shouted  out to  him. Something wrong  Abdul? Won't it start?

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy named Blaze were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blonde opened his lunch and said,' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too..'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.


The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'


(Oh this is GOOD!!)

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'



Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally
cut off all 10 of his fingers.He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.
The doctor looked at Paddy and said,

'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.
Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.'
'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers?
Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2012!
We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.

I could have put dem back on and made you like new!
Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'
And Paddy said,

' How da fock was I 'spose to pick them up !!!

Letter to prime Minister Harper

LETTER TO PRIME MINISTER


Dear Prime Minister,

Please find below our suggestion for fixing the CANADIAN economy.
Instead of giving billions of dollars to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.


You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan .

There are about Ten million people over 50 in the work force.
Pay them $ 2 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:
1) They MUST retire.
Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed
2) They MUST buy a new Canadian? car  
Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed
3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -
Housing Crisis fixed
4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university -
Crime rate fixed
5) They MUST buy $100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .....
And there's your money back in duty/tax etc
It can't get any easier than that!

Also:
Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.
This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.
A guard would check on them every hour and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.
Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.
Each senior could have a TV, radio and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.
The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week.  Live in a tiny room and pay $400.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.
Think about this (more points of contention):

COWS:Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Goondiwindi almost three years ago, right to the paddock where she slept in the feedlot at Bony Mountain?
And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

If you do not have a Doctor  go to the airport ,you will get a free x ray and breast exam.Mention Al Quada and you will get a free colonoscopy.


1.Is it good if
a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand
On the watch
Called the second hand?
3.If a word is misspelled
In the dictionary,
How would we ever know?
4.If Webster wrote the first dictionary,
Where did he find the words?
5.Why do we say something is out of whack?
What is a whack?
6.Why does "slow down" and
"slow up" mean the same thing?
7..Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance"
Mean the same thing?
8.Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9.Why do we sing
"Take me out to the ball game"
When we are already there?
10.Why are they called " stands"
When they are made for sitting?
11.Why is it called "after dark"
When it really is "after light"?
12..Doesn't "expecting the unexpected"
Make the unexpected expected?
13.. Why are a "wise man" and
A "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee"
Mean opposite things?
15.Why is "phonics"
Not spelled
The way it sounds?
16.If work is so terrific,
Why do they have to pay you to do it?
17..If all the world is a stage,
Where is the audience sitting?
18.Iflove is blind,
Why is lingerie so popular?
19.If you are cross-eyed
And have dyslexia,
Can you read all right?
20.Why is bra singular
And panties plural?
21..Why do you press harder
On the buttons of a remote control
When you know the batteries are dead?
22.Why do we put suits in garment bags
And garments in a suitcase?
23.How come abbreviated
Is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels?
Aren't we clean when we use them?
25..Why doesn't glue
Stick to the inside of the bottle?
26.Why do they call it a TV set
When you only have one?
27.Christmas
- What other time of the year
Do you sit in front of a dead tree
And eat candy out of your socks?
28. Why do we drive on a parkway
And park on a driveway?
 
Telephone survey...

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:

"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

8. In Canada, we all hung up as soon as we heard the East Indian accent.

Wooden Leg

Blonde Phone Call

"Hi Mom, How are you?"

"Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at Ace Hardware"
"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call"
"What happened?"
"Oh........... I punched this African-American woman in the head."
"What on earth, why did you do that?"
"Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker."

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to

spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short
skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments
she uncrosses her legs ... enough times that her husband finally asks,
Are you wearing crotchless panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."
He never heard the gunshot.

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: "What's so threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Frank. The midget."


A man and his wife, were checking on insurance. The husband had a wooden leg and to insure it in Alberta was $2000.00 a year!

When they arrived in Saskatchewan , they went to an insurance agency, to see how much it would cost to insure.
The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '$39.00.'
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Saskatchewan to insure, because it cost him $2000.00 in Alberta !The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says:
*Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00.*